Fake SKC Blog - A Parody for the SKC Blog Circuit

2012 SEASON PREDICTIONS

fakeskcblogger — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 04:46:37 +0000

It’s that time of year again- time to start talking now about stuff we’ll be talking about at the end of the season. In our last post we predicted how Sporting KC would do as a team, and now it’s time to talk about some individual awards. (It should be noted that we’ve never been wrong with our predictions here…nor have we ever been right)

SPORTING KC MVP: TRIALIST #2

I know what you’re thinking- “Trialist #2? Are you nuts? #3 is WAAAY better.” – We see big things in Trialist #2′s future here in KC.

SPORTING KC R.O.Y.: BOULEVARD BEER AT LSP

It should have made it’s debut last year, but alas, we were forced Bud Light instead for 20 games. THIS year however, Boulevard has finally pulled their head out and we will be able to rejoice in it’s foamy goodness! They won’t be a shirt sponsor, but as I’ve said on Twitter, SKC won’t have one this year, so that’s not surprising.

COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR: LIVESTRONG GRASS

Earlier this year we spoke of blue field turf coming to LSP, but it looks like the grass has made a recovery, and we think after a light winter, it’s poised for greatness!

MOST VOCAL SKC EMPLOYEE: MICHAEL FLAHERTY (@KITMANSKC)

This one seemed pretty easy. Mike is awesome to follow, and is probably pretty awesome in person. However, he is unrivaled in his whining about folding towels. Dwyer is a dark horse here, but we feel like Mike’s got what it takes to get er folded- oops- done.

MOST LIKELY SOPHOMORE SLUMP: BACON WRAPPED HOT DOG

Don’t get us wrong, it’s AMAZING! However, you can only get it at one or two places. A hot dog wrapped in bacon needs to be sold every 15 feet or less, no excuses. For this reason, we think it will have a unimpressive second year.

BEST FAKE BLOG OF THE 2012 SEASON: US!

Duh…

BEST REAL BLOG OF THE 2012 SEASON: SPORTING TIMES

This was by far the toughest award to guess. Footy Chronicles is coming on strong, Down the Byline and the Full 90 are going strong as ever, and the 64 new ones that started yesterday look awesome. Even the team added one! (they could use a stronger internet presence, no?) However, James seems to have stuff up his butt from time to time, and when that’s the case the stuff he puts out is awesome! So let’s hope whatever whatever is up there, stays there.

MOST IMPROVED PLAYER: RYAN SMITH

A bit of a disappointment last year, but we hear he cares about soccer in MLS again. Must have taken care of his ‘family issues’.

MOST DISAPPOINTING PLAYER: OMAR BRAVO

We’re predicting that he won’t score a single goal in MLS this year, you heard it here first!

BEST RESTAURANT THAT SUPPORTS SKC: PANDOLFI’S DELI

This is another close one. Quick’s BBQ is awesome! But Pandolfi’s gets the edge in this battle, mostly because we’re a bit saturated in this town with BBQ restaurants, and Pandolfi’s offers a very tasty alternative to the chain sandwich shops in town!

BEST FAN SUPPORT IN KANSAS CITY: SPORTING KC

Again, duh! Seriously, it’s not even close.

Hope you enjoyed our fun, go Sporting! #paintthewall #liveforit

2012 SPORTING KC SEASON PREVIEW!!!!!!!

fakeskcblogger — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 17:16:12 +0000

SPORTING KC WILL WIN THE MLS CUP!!! or not….we’ll see….

Deli Conspiracy

fakeskcblogger — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 01:17:59 +0000

ANOTHER TREAT FROM OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD GUY ALWAYS LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER – FAKESKCCONSPIRATOR!

Chef Cansler (@ChefGrant) of Pandolfi’s Deli (@PandolfisDeli) is secretly behind Sporting KC Player movements.

First there was the ever popular Sassano sandwich. Everyone just assumed that it was a fun way of honoring a fan favorite. But then Luke Sassano was re-signed (to everyone’s delight!). Then there was the Zusi Tuna – less famous, but equally as influential. Suddenly Graham Zusi was re-signed to a new four-year contract (again, to everyone’s delight). The deli is clearly trying to keep this link a secret because they don’t list all the player names by sandwiches on their online menu, but a simple trip to their location will reveal the real secrets. Those of you that have been paying attention may have also seen that Chef Cansler recently made a scouting trip of soccer talent in Argentina, Chile, and Peru.

What will be Chef Cansler’s next move, a player signing from South America, a sammy cart at Livestrong or a pear and brie on baguette? With Chef Cansler’s regular twitter check-in’s we will have clues, but only time will tell.

Warmest Regards,

Mr Paranoid

Sporting Player Using PEDs?

fakeskcblogger — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 02:34:05 +0000

You’ve seen the meteoric rise. You’ve seen him go from a bench player to a Men’s National Team goal scorer. How has this happened so quickly? How has Graham Zusi done so well so fast? I believe I have the answer. PEDs. It’s the only explanation for that amazing mane, that epic coat, that unbelievable silky smooth head of hair. Sure he’s a great soccer player, but that’s just natural talent added with years of hard work and dedication. His hair is quite another matter. Nobody’s hair is just naturally that good. Look at Tom Brady – even he has bad hair cuts. Zusi though? Nope. It’s not natural – can’t be. So the only explanation is that his hair is benefiting from some sort of PED. Maybe it’s in the shampoo, or maybe it’s in the conditioner. It’s quite clear that his hair deserves massive amounts of credit for getting Klinsmann to notice. How can he not with hair flowing and bouncing around on the pitch like Graham’s does. It’s majestic, magical, wonderful – and I contend, not natural! What do you think? Is that amazing head of hair real? Maybe it’s an expensive toupee? I welcome all possible explanations.

Before-Yuck!

After-Amazing!

P.S. – I’m not implying that Zusi actually takes PEDs – this is a joke, please treat as such

Is Sporting KC playing chess while the local media play checkers?

fakeskcblogger — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:02:40 +0000

More awesomeness from our Paranoid in Chief, enjoy! – FakeSKCBlogger

SUBMITTED BY: FakeSKCConspirator

Did you notice Peter Vermes’ comments about Dom Dwyer’s recruitment? It appears that Sporting KC attempted (successfully) to guide their draft target onto a Generation Adidas contract to help with their salary cap situation. Sporting KC did this BEFORE they drafted Dwyer expecting to make the draft selection. Clearly this demonstrates that Sporting KC is thinking more than one move in advance.

Has anyone noticed that local TV personality Jack Harry (@JackHarryKSHB) tweeted “Peter Vermes says making play-offs a “no-brainer” for Sporting KC. I’ve never heard a coach, in any sport, make that prediction before season”? There will be significantly more soccer news on NBC Sports With the new MLS contract for 2012. Sporting KC is not shy about trying to get more publicity, such as the Ochocinco try-out in 2011. It would appear that Jack Harry will be easily steered toward giving more publicity to Sporting KC simply through his own lack of understanding of the MLS playoff situation as well as the strength of the Sporting KC team within the league. We should expect Sporting KC to continue to make moves anticipating Jack Harry’s over-reaction / easily-predictable-response to maximize the Sporting KC publicity.

P.S. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Sporting KC makes its first cut of 2012 due to Words With Friends

fakeskcblogger — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:48:56 +0000

Conspiracy Theories! They’re Everywhere!

The Fake SKC Blog team has grown, and we’re happy to welcome our newest blogger, who will be known as FakeSKCConspirator. This person sees the strange connections where the rest of us are afraid to look, isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions, and “connects the dots” bringing understanding to the craziness that is the Sporting KC universe. So without further delay, enjoy! –fakeskcblogger

SUBMITTED BY: FakeSKCConspirator

Sporting KC makes its first cut of 2012 due to Words With Friends.

Emily Hanover (@HanoverEmily), SKC Senior Account Representative was honored at meetings before the MLS Cup Final for having reached a top-level of ticket sales. She is also a Words with Friends aficionado and made the mistake of recently tweeting about her prowess (“Breaking News: Just played ‘JOCK’ in WWF for 105 points. Take that @mlhayon”). Shortly afterward Sporting KC released the complete roster of player and staff accounts (http://www.sportingkc.com/social-media). Notice any omissions? So did we. Simple mistaken oversight, or WWF based revenge? Clearly this be a harbinger of doom for Emily.

Speaking of curious staff moves, has anyone noticed Kit man Mike’s (@KitmanSKC) recent moves? He sold raffle tickets for autographed jerseys at the end of last season through his connections at Pandolfi’s Deli. He sent the money he raised to Thailand. Recently he posted on twitter that he received 60 boxes of Sporting KC merchandise. Could he be paying it forward? Could this secretly be a scheme to fund an SKC textile sweatshop in Northern Thailand? We think the answer is obvious.

P.S. Don’t ever accept a battery free of charge. That advice shouldn’t shock you.

International Roster Spots – Possible Scandal?

fakeskcblogger — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:42:51 +0000

The debate on how many international roster spots that Sporting Kansas City has and needs as been discussed quite a bit in the last week or so, but we here at the fake blog are never afraid to beat a dead horse! Like Vermes, I’m not worried about it, but for different reasons than you might suspect. It was brought to my attention from a reader that a possible reason for SKC’s worry free attitude is because of a certain fan group that has recently started up. Without naming names (they just renamed themselves anyway), it seems that perhaps SKC sees a possible ‘hassle free’ way to get players off the international roster list without having to make any extra moves at all. In theory, it should be much quicker and cheaper than the normal process. Any idea where I’m going with this? Is it possible this is the case? If so would this new way of getting ‘around’ the rules upset you? Lots of questions, and as of yet, no answers……

UPDATE: Apparently, someone got engaged at LiveSTRONG Park today… coincidence? Maybe…maybe not…

Sample

A New Pitch at LiveSTRONG Sporting Park?

fakeskcblogger — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 02:06:26 +0000

Most of us remember the awfullness that was the Sporting pitch in the middle of season. Through no fault of the excellent grounds crew, the field just wasn’t prepared to take that kind of constant abuse combined with the ridiculous heat wave and short rooting period before June 9th. When owner Robb Heineman held a twitter chat, most of the questions thrown at him were about the condition of the pitch and what was being done to fix it.

As the schedule lightened and the weather cooled, it got much better. But how can we ensure that there isn’t a repeat of last summer?

I’m hearing that one of the options on the table is turf. But not just any turf- “Sporting Blue Turf”. In the style of Boise State, Livestrong Park could be making more headlines next year. Frankly, it’s a hard idea to argue. We all know the best pitches in the league are in Seattle and New England, and it’s not really even that close. (Seattle’s is the best because they’re the best at everything. Did you know they actually invented turf? They did, it’s true.) Take the excellent surface that is turf, and add the magnificent color that is Sporting Blue, and I think you have a winner!

Think of it, players basically camouflaged all over the field. We’ll never have an off side call go against us again!

Still not a believer? Check out Boise State’s home record since they changed THEIR turf. Uh huh….that’s right- dominance!

One of my sources leaked the picture below – a mock up of what it would look like. What do you think?

Livestrong Park + Sporting Blue Turf

Fake SKC Blog EXCLUSIVE: Brisket Bob, Caught Cheating?!?!

fakeskcblogger — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 18:34:57 +0000

By now, I’m sure that you’ve all seen the awesome Christmas video sent by Sporting’s PR department. (If not, you can check it out here) What went somewhat unnoticed however, was the fact that one of SKC’s most beloved characters- Brisket Bob -was seen cooking Chicken! Now obviously, since this is a blog of integrity…we decided it would be prudent to go directly to the source of the scandal and see what the alleged cheater had to say for himself. (A big thanks to the REAL Brisket Bob for participating in the interview below)

—

fakeSKCblog: In the SKC Christmas video, you appeared to be seen drooling over and aggressively handling Chicken. As someone with a serious relationship with Brisket, how do you respond to these allegations?

Brisket Bob: “What!? That’s preposterous. They can do some pretty amazing things with video in post. I don’t associate with anything that crosses a busy street without looking both ways. Safety first.”

blog: Does Brisket know about Chicken? What does Brisket have to say about your actions in the video?

BB: “Brisket is not happy. Thanks to ‘the media’, we did have a very heated conversation over dinner the other night. At this point, I would like to apologize to the other patrons of the Liberty Applebee’s. I hope our loud argument didn’t ruin other people’s fine dining experience. When Brisket left in a rush and I got down on my knees and shouted, ‘I WANT MY BABY-BACK, BABY-BACK BABY-BACK’, that was just pure coincidence and not some weird marketing ploy.”

blog: Is this a serious affair, or a one time fling?

BB: “No comment.”

blog: Do you feel like this scandal will be a distraction for the team this year?

BB: “I hope not. All I need is another extremely vague drunk tweet from Robb Heineman about a “major acquisition” to take the focus off me.”

blog: How does this video affect the future of Brisket Bob at SKC games? Will we see Chicken Bob next year?

BB: “Well, there will have to be some damage control. My advisors have instructed me to eat as much red meat in public as my heart can take. On the other side, Brisket Bob can grill whatever he wants! This is a free f*#&ing country. It’s not like I’m married to Brisket.”

blog: Are you worried that the team might try to trade or release you to get rid of the scandal?

BB: “Not at all. Despite what you see in sports movies, I am bigger than the team. For me, it’s all about the name on the back of the jersey. The front office knows this. Remember when the Chicago Bulls traded Michael Jordan? Neither do I.”

blog: Did you use the same knife to cut Chicken as you use to cut Brisket?

BB: “If you cook a chicken rotisserie style, there’s no need for utensils. It’s just pulls apart. BUT I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I HEARD.”

blog: Do you have anything to say to the young fans of Sporting KC that look up to you as example?

BB: “Eat More Chikin! Haha, just kidding. DON’T SUE ME CHIC-FIL-A.”

—

Now that you’ve heard Brisket Bob’s side of things, do you believe him? Is he the real victim here? Will you glare the next time you see him? Will you cheer the next time he cuts a brisket at a SKC home game? Time will tell I suppose…but until then, you can vote in our poll!

Ryan Smith Returns to SKC!

fakeskcblogger — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 04:16:41 +0000

In a move that will no doubt shock many in MLS circles, Sporting KC announced that Ryan Smith will be returning to Sporting KC. When asked what precipitated the move, Smith noted that he began having personal feelings about the personal issues that took him away from the team early in the 2011 season. Now obviously Chivas wouldn’t just give up Smith to SKC for nothing, and there is another side to this trade. SKC will send defensive standout Shavar Thomas to Chivas for the young Brit. When asked if Sporting would miss Thomas’ contributions to the team, Vermes replied, “It’s tough to replace a player like Shavar who contributed so much to this team, but we’re confident that Ryan can have the same defensive impact, even from the left wing.”